yeah idk i just felt like typing this yes it is 3am and i am still awake idk
I made it back in June as one of the last English assignments I'd ever submit in high school. I still think about it a lot, and it holds a lot of meaning to me I guess. It's a found poem, written using the words from the introduction of the Wikipedia article on Major Depressive Disorder, more commonly known as (clinical) depression.
When I was writing this, I don't know why but somehow I got the idea to use wikipedia pages for found poetry. I seriously have no clue where it came from, but I was just so stuck on the idea. Well, at least, I know before this piece, I wrote a found poem using the Bipolar Disorder page. I'll type it out on the bottom of this journal entry.
I spent weeks with multiple printed copies of the article... just staring at the words, looking and crossing out and mixing. A friend, who knew about my dealings with depression, noticed and was concerned... he'd ask me, why are you looking at such a sad thing? (I don't remember his words exactly, it's just a paraphrase). And I felt weird about it, but I guess I was just really determined. I didn't know how to put it in words at the time, but I just wanted to keep looking for something; I was sure it was there, but I couldn't see it.
Somehow I ended up with this poem. In this poem (as well as the poem below), I drew from my own experiences. The aforementioned friend was the first person to really successfully reach out to me, and since then I've grown a circle of really supportive friends, a lot who have had or are currently dealing with very similar experiences. What I had spent so long looking for was hope, I suppose. Something beautiful in an unexpected place.
The illustration came after I wrote the poem. I'd always admired visual/found poetry such as this one below, so I wanted to take the opportunity to try my hand at it. At first I tried to go with the whole circling-words and things like that, but it didn't really work. I think I saw a found poem in which the words became a bunch of balloons held by a child (I don't remember exactly, and can't link it here unfortunately...) so I decided to try to see an image in the words. And yeah, I ended up seeing a butterfly, at least in part inspired by The Butterfly Project
(check out the link!).
The holes were actually a happy accident: I colored the butterfly vibrantly, so to contrast the black-and-white printout of the article and its subject matter. I left the words of the poem white originally, but I found it hard to see how the words were meant to flow. I tried coloring the different phrases different colors, but that just made the words easy to miss. So I cut them out and pasted them to the bottom of the page.
Near the completion of this piece, the aforementioned friend texted me. It was a morning, and I was on my way to school. He had a very awful and scary night and was really upset by it... I don't remember exactly the circumstances or what he said, but I think that's where the butterfly-with-holes idea came from. You're still beautiful, even if you make mistakes, or relapse, or anything, and are always worth so much to the people around you.
So I scribbled that title awkwardly under the butterfly, and I wrote a message on the back of the page. I gave the original copy to him as a gift, along with the message. I don't have it anymore obviously, so I don't remember exactly what I wrote. But I remember part of it was this:
"Chin up, buttercup! We still have rockets to build and satellites to launch
I had to awkwardly ask for it back to give to my English teacher to get a grade, and then awkwardly ask my English teacher if I could have it back as soon as possible... but it was worth it. I ended up spamming like all of my friends and stuff with it because I was really really satisfied with it (though I wish I could think of a better placement for the text, at least compositionally... eh. it doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful
I'm at college now. I have a friend here who was an acquaintance from high school. She's a year older than me, and hates this place... She ended up struggling with depression during the winter term herself. I sent her this piece, and she now has it printed out and hung up in her dorm room. We talked about lots of things, including the positive aspects of this college and my friend's experience as a freshman. I loved the garden here (it was the only thing I liked about this campus actually), for example, and she said that sunrises and sunsets were beautiful here. Even though neither of us really wanted to come to this school in the first place, she met her boyfriend here, and I got a chance to get to know her better. So, we suppose if you look hard enough, you can find beauty in what may seem to be the worst circumstances and the worst places.
So. Those of you who watch me here on this site and managed to get this far in my long wall of text post. If you are struggling now, or ever feel like you're in a hopeless situation... I promise you, there is something beautiful, something worth living for in any situation. If you ever need someone to talk to and maybe convince you of that, feel free to send me a note here, or an ask or fanmail on my tumblr (sachiaoitori.tumblr.com i know i'm creative) and I'll do my best to understand and help you know that you're not alone, and I'll never be mad or annoyed or too busy to do my best to support you all. You all mean a lot to me, and are all completely worth all the love and effort I can muster <3
"The Last Few Days of Normal"
other individuals experience frenzied episodes:
decisions about the future, great beliefs about the world
also the last few days of "normal" life.
In serious cases,
there is a risk of dangerous ideation,
sometimes as the origin to all kinds of disorder.